i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
