Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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