Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
