Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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