I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize