I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
