she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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