I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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