my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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