thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
