if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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