The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
