It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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