and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize