Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
