apparently the secret to your success is patron
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
