If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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