he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
