Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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