I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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