she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
