I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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