I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize