dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
