I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
