We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
