Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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