I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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