oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
