I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
