I hate all girls vehemently.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
