haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
