He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
