I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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