i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
