we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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