Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I will be naked everywhere
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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