This dress was meant to end up on your floor
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize