She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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