ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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