saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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