Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
