OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
