I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize