i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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