I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I looked at my own cervix.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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