There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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