nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
