it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
