i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
