nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
