Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
