woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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