I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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