happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
