I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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