How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
