I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
