The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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