Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize