what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
