So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
